im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
