I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
