She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
