Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
