I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
