I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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