my phone needs a breathalizer
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just found puke in my bra..
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
