So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
