clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
