yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
