Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
