Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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