Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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