sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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