Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
