Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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