My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
