an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
