Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
