I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
