If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
