K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
