I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
