well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
