he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
