I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
