You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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