11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
