I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
