apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
