Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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