Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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