It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
