I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
