i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
