I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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