I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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