I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
