Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
