The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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