Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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