I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
