just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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