who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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