I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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