I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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