Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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