my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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