I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
