When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
