i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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